Life sucks when you're twenty-one, yet two years overdue.

I just turned twenty-one. It's really mind boggling and the past few days, I've really been lying awake(not like I've had much opportunity to do so) in slight disbelief that I've lived for so long. It's twenty one years already, since I was born and so much I've grown. The celebrations were rather absent. I spent the first hour of my birthday on a five tonner truck, on my way to an ammunitions dump. I was collecting ammo for my course. I got a drink from the vending machine, my very first present from a friend, Nicholas. The rest of the day was spent with camou creme on my face, uniform damp with perspiration, stained with mud and grease so thick I felt my skin couldn't breath through the fabric. Mozzies were really annoying me and not to mention, the lack of sleep built upon the fatigue and deficit of sleep accumulated from the whole month was also getting to me. The past four weeks has just been spent outfield, field camp after field camp.

This is really the life. I am quite annoyed with my weekday routine, but I wouldn't want to elaborate, only to remind myself of how stupid and mindless the certain flaws in the organisation can bring. I really do not think I act my age at times and I feel unprepared to take on the challenges and 'protocols' of being an adult. But oh well, I guess i just have to take things one step at a time and I don't really want to start on how much I've accomplished over the past twenty one years because sometimes I really wish that I could have done more. I don't wanna' waste time no more! -personal mantra from now on.

Oh yes btw, first post in ages.

I'm going in, on the 7th January to BMTC. The army wants me.

Study, study, study. I've been facing paper and books more than I've been facing my loved ones. It's fine, because conditions aren't right, right now and it's good because books don't have feelings. They don't mind me around.However, they evoke the same feelings of anxiety that rings in my heart, just muted within my body, under flesh.
I am on my way to facing the exams, I guess. I can finally do math and it's no longer "groping to feel the stones", to quote Jiang Zemin (China Studies skills coming in here). Math somehow gives me the greatest satisfaction but I still stand unchanged over my dislike for it, sorry.
Right now, I hate not being unoccupied because having nothing to do only causes me to think. Although I don't think as intensely as the previous times, it's still there and it tightens the immediate peripheral area surrounding my heart and making it constricted. My heart can't beat the way it wants to. I have found myself trying to make myself happy lately, finding various ways to amuse myself. I have not done this in awhile, I've realised. This is because I had a constant source of ever flowing happiness, like a well dug into an artesian aquifer. At least, the happiness is on a haitus. I'm relieved, but what worries me, is that I would lose it. Losing it would cause the sky to go bleak, for birds to lose their bearings, to fall out of my sky and on to the pavement to serve as reminders. Reminders of how flight can be taken away from them, like how everything else could be taken away from us if we're careless. I mustn't be careless, I must not let my guard down.
I have constantly said and even promised to become a better person, to rectify my faults. I must admit, I have said this on a whim, while looking for a quick solution. That's me- always looking for the quick fix-it and not looking at the real root. This time, I want to be committed to change, I can't make her angry anymore. I have got to be sensitive towards how other people feel. This is ridiculous, it's like pulling stones from out of mid air and just tripping over them after they fall onto the ground. I am creating my own problem. I am ridiculous and all these nonsense has got to stop. I have to be patient, for time is of the essence. Every minute that passes by, I hope has a remedying effect. Please Lord, I hope this time is not wasted and that I think really very hard, about the person I want to be.

Oh no, I've said too much. Just needed the reprieve.

Dear lord,
I hope with your help, my troubles will go away, I will be a better person and I would become a policeman.
Thank you.

It's starting off like any other day. I am a sucker for routine. I made sure it was coffee- freeze dried, that started off the day. The same amount everyday. A three-two ratio(3:2) between coffee and sugar, just that the coffee was heaped and sugar, level. It's been the same everyday, ever since I acquired the taste for coffee, and caffeine being the drug it is, has incorporated itself without invitation into my everyday routine.

I am a sucker for routine(as I've said before) but I am more fond though of repeating myself, repeatedly. I(or rather my sub-conscious self) like to ensure that I repeat the things I say, repeating my points, repeating my jokes, repeating my everyday actions and even repeating my mistakes.

Repeating my mistakes.

Repeating my mistakes, that's probably the worst constituent of this quirk that I have. The rest are all just peculiar but this one, this gem here, has made me lose something really important to me. I am not sure if my habitual repeating is due to a short term memory or just plain stupidity but let's just say in this world we live in, it's very hard to get things in it's pure form.
So yes, it's a combination of both.

Anyway, let's just leave that aside and get back to the reason why I am speaking about my day. This is because as the hands on the clock make a full seven hundred and twenty degree rotation, it would be the most exciting day I have ever lived. I am breaking out of routine. Getting out of the mould.

I am going to run away.

Okay. Maybe running away is too intense for two words to handle. I have never been really good at rephrasing but let's just say I am taking a break from the world. A break from the world that's been doing nothing nice but breaking my heart and me. I want to use this as an excuse to take my heart, like a pet on a walk. An extended walk.
A really long walk, beyond national boundaries.

Yup, no need for a double take. I'm fleeing and the blue, soft cover of a passport warrants enough evidence of my intentions. I never meant for it to happen now actually but it's just that I have let enough people down and if I do actually stick around, scores more would follow. So, never mind the utterly ridiculously important examinations which my right hand and left brain have been arduously preparing for. Expectations are not meant to be met.

I am severing all ties with the world. All my possessions are would be up for grabs. Just to side track a bit. Come over to get them if you're interested, just don't take my little blue box of letters and please do tell my parents what you're taking. Come only, after two or three weeks. By then they would have gotten over the initial shock and come to comprehend over my actions. It will save you all a great lot of trouble and from having to answer compromising questions. I think you would appreciate this more than I would. I do not want to trouble you, my friends.

This may sound like I'm am inching closer to death but rest assured my friends, there would be no loss or taking of lives. So rest assured but do keep me in your prayers, amongst other important petitions.

I am committed to doing this. So committed I am to break out of routine that I have decided to travel in a clockwise manner(towards the west). With unreliable knowledge, I figured that the earth spun(tilted at 27.5 degrees)in an anti-clockwise manner. So yes, I decided that I might as well do the opposite.
After all, I am aiming to go against the world right?

Troubling question that just hit me,
'Is the room empty because there is nothing inside, or is there nothing inside because it's empty?'

Oh no, I'm gonna think about this for days =(

Here's a quote that truly sums up what love is.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should be just friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

The Sandman- Neil Gaiman (thank you Janice for the quote)



Love is, weakness.

It makes one vulnerable to all kinds of unpleasantry.
Love is an open wound that exposes you to all sorts of germs and bacterium, all ready to attack you. Instead of micro-organisms, it's doubt and uncertainty that attacks you.

Bringing you down, down to your knees.

Love, can do the most epic things, at both ends of the spectrum. Immobilise a whole forward-surging army or to move a mountain. It brings us to do great things, or could just lead us on the trail towards nothingness. Nothing but pure heartache and pain. Love makes people change. Change although being almost inevitable, is not something constant when it comes to human character. It wants to make you dream big, think about the future. Just that these dreams and aspirations aren't selfish and you must share it with that special someone. Selflessness is a total defiance against yourself. Once again, an act of weakness, brought about by love.

So... love really is, weakness.

I need to study. Really hard. The crunch is here. My stomach churns every time I realise how important my 'A' Levels are. It is really, the whole embodiment of my academic journey. Plus, having me wasted two years already, this counts even more and "You better not screw up after all this years ah!" just rings in my head constantly. I must admit that I have backslided throughout these two years at JC, I entered being really fiery about my studies and I set myself high standards. I guess it was through my performance in the first few months that I managed to get to Cambridge. It's ironic because I think Cambridge broke my momentum but I don't want to blame anything or anybody, it really does boil down to me anyway. However, I'm feeling the drive coming back to me. I need to feel like my 'O' levels days, I need to make studying a routine and part of my life for this remaining two months. Can't wait for it to be over, then it'll be the China ski trip and much much more time with the girlfriend. Oh, bliss.

I turn twenty today.

I've lived past two decades already, as some of my friends have teased about today. I really do not mind being that old because me turning twenty was done really really nicely. Today must be just about one of the most memorable ever. My friends have been really great. Thank you to everyone who wished me, really took your well-wishes to heart and since many of the wishes were regarding my studies, I am now motivated and will strive to do my best, haha.

It has also made me realised that it is not only on my birthday that I receive gifts. Because I am most fortunate to receive the gift of friendship everyday! I am blessed with wonderful friends, classmates and schoolmates. Special mention especially to The Ponyz- Daniel, Nigel and Tim, the greatest band in the world and most original rockafella 2008 band. Times are always fun with you guys.

However, the biggest mention goes out to my girlfriend, Audrey. I really don't know how I can express my appreciation to her in words. She has been the sweetest(not only today). For today, she put in a great deal of effort, time and thought to making my birthday really special and memorable. Don't know if she'll ever see this but I just want to say that I am really grateful for her and for her enduring my shenanigans and nonsense. What's most wonderful is that she still loves me after all that.

Sorry if this is a little too mushy but hey, you can't blame me for being too happy and overly appreciative!